Steffanie Moore said... Hi Jenna, I always have a lot of trouble with "tearing down". My job is very male and I feel more and more like I betray my womanhood every time I go to work and try not to show any female tendencies. Until the meds took over, Sex was also a big factor. Sexual release would allow me to face the taking off of the clothes, makeup, etc. I would sometimes delay this for days if the circumstances allowed me to remain en femme that long.

Perhaps two things have changed the most. First, I no longer stop shaving my legs, chest and arms for summer or during the week. My nails grow as they will and the only problem is that I can't stop breaking them. I am free to dress at home and am much more content to be casual than totally made up. In short, I no longer restrain my inner girl but encourage her presence and challenge her to perfect herself everywhere but work.

The second liberating factor, actually 2 separate ones, is that The meds have taken a lot of the testosterone out of the equation and therefore the sexual buildup and release cycle. Had I known this, I would have gone ahead and transitioned at 16 and saved a lot of pain. part 2 is that I now have a strong light at the end of the tunnel. Before, there was no end in sight and "butching out" just reminded me that I couldn't remain as the woman I loved being. A lot of resentment emerged towards the factors around us that don't allow us to live as we will. Now, At least I know that I don't have to go on becoming a man for them much longer. Nothing can stop me now but myself and I am full speed ahead. now I go to stores in boy mode and giggle quietly to myself when clerks MAM me ad whisper, not much longer now Steff, not much longer.

I'm sorry if all this isn't much help to someone who is not transitioning. Several years ago someone said "why do you want to transition? You've got the best of both worlds". After a lot of thought I realized that it wasn't the best of anything for me. it was only the source of my turmoil. However, if it is truly the best for you then STAY THERE! Transsexualism is no place to be if you don't want it with all your heart.

Jenna Taylor said... Thank you Steffanie. What you have stated is very true. Yet, what's "the light at the end of the tunnel" as you said. This is probably directed more towards non-TS girls here, yet the paths we take can be VERY identical. Some would say some CDs are undirected TS( lack of a therapist). Why? I'm shaved almost all the time. I go a bit "wild" here and then. I suspect GGs do too! ;) So... why deny the male gender clues?

Michele Angelique said... Jenna darling, thank you so much for posting. This is a very thought provoking topic, actually.

I think you are facing a dilemma whereby you are unsure where your yin/yang balance should lie. You enjoy being female, yet you fear that the more female you become, your masculinity may be diminished to the point where a genetic woman would find you less desirable. The question here is which of your desires is strongest? Is it the desire to transition to "become" female, or the desire to find a mate who loves you as is? In cases where people truly feel they must become as female as possible in order to function in life, then relationship issues should come secondary to the transition.

However, in cases where the person is "comfortable in his/her own skin" (happy being some combination of male/female), then they are balanced enough with themselves to think about being in a relationship with someone else. The decision of what yin/yang balance to choose becomes more important. I think this is where you are at this time, finding your balance.

It seems to me, based upon your profile and things you've said, that you are looking for a relationship exclusively with a genetic women. My thoughts to follow would be different if you were bisexual or gay.

Now, given you are looking for a genetic woman, you are most likely in search of a bisexual woman. I say this because a "straight" woman would be uncomfortable with your girlself, and a "lesbian" woman would be uncomfortable with your boyself. Unless you are going to transition all the way, SRS included, lesbians are out of the question. Unless you want to put Jenna in the closet forever, heterosexual women are not a good solution either. You need someone who will embrace your girlself and your boyself, without requiring you to inhibit either side. These are both very real sides of you, neither of which is going away, so whomever you choose will have to love you as a total package... a bisexual woman is attracted to both genders, so this is a good start.

So let's say you find a bisexual woman that you are interested in... what are her needs? I can't speak for other bisexual women, but my personal feeling as a bisexual woman is this: I am NOT indifferent between the genders, but quite the opposite; I need BOTH. I do not have the fundamental ability to choose one over the other. If I am with a woman exclusively, I crave a man. If I am with a man exclusively, I crave a woman. I can't go either way, I need some of each (hence I am still single, lol). I don't know a lot of bisexual women, but those I do know feel the same as me... stuck in the middle. There are many others like me.

If you are comfortable in picking and choosing which aspects of yourself to feminize and which to leave in masculine form, I will tell you my perspective as a bisexual girl. Become as feminine as you want in every way (hair, skin, nails, boobs, etc), except, except, except, do not harm your penis. If you lose your male sexual functionality, you will lose the ability to sexually fulfill a bisexual (or straight) woman. In addition, you will lose the ability to give her children. This factor alone may disqualify you from a committed relationship with a genetic woman if she wants kids. If you are "single and looking" for a non-lesbian genetic woman, you will greatly diminish your odds of success if you cannot make love to her. Contrary to popular belief, women are sexual creatures. Many of us require sexual fulfillment as much as any man, and sexual compatibility is an important issue.

This being said, there are a lot of ways you can feminize without hormones and surgery. You can have your body hair permanently removed with laser treatment. You can grow your head hair and fingernails long. You can wear makeup every day. You can get breast implants. You could live 24/7 as a woman, without permanently damaging your sexual functionality. As a feminine looking person, bisexual girls would be attracted to you, but if you are unable to fulfill the other side of the equation, your bisexual girl will eventually stray. I think you are in a unique position to present the "best of both worlds" for a bisexual woman. Again, my advice would be different if you were intense TS or if you were interested in relationships with men.

But here's my question for you Jenna. Do you have to abdicate your masculinity in order to embrace your female self? Why do you speak of "decompression" and returning to the "regular" you? Are Jenna and your maleself really two different people? I doubt it very much. You have compartmentalized your maleself vs femaleself, probably as a defensive mechanism resulting from having to hide any evidence of Jenna from the world. The fact is, you are one and the same person, make-up or not. When you get home from an evening on the town, and remove your adornments, the resulting person is still Jenna... au natural.

Instead of creating such a "build-up" to "becoming" Jenna, why not just allow yourself to "be" Jenna on a more regular basis? This does not have to include "every detail", but rather, just the little things. For example, do you wear a soft satiny nightie when you sleep or do you wear men's boxer shorts? Do you keep your body skin smooth? Apply fragrant body lotion? Toenails painted? Take a long bubble bath with candles? Wear lip gloss and girly hairstyles around the house? Wear women's panties under your suit?

Do you do these little things for yourself? These are the kind of little things that you can do that will help to bridge the gap between your worlds. You feel so depressed when you dismantle Jenna because you know you won't get to see her again for awhile. You do not have to go "all the way" male or female. If you start letting Jenna poke her head out of the closet more frequently in smaller ways, you will find the decompression is less significant.

Jenna, accept and love yourself as "two-spirited". Allow yourself to flourish as such, without sacrificing either spirit. Both sides of you can exist simultaneously. If you will let them, both sides of you can exist harmoniously too. You are such a beautiful person Jenna, all of male/female you. I think you are the total package, the full meal deal. The woman that catches you will be very fortunate indeed. Please don't ever give up hope.

Alexis Rene said... Ok Jenna, I went to the pharmacy on your behalf (mine too actually) to get/look for the "magic pills"...Ah-hem...So after I POSTED BAIL and am now back at home I don't recommend you go there looking for them!:) They just don't have a sense of humor in that manner.*Smiles* Just teasing.

Jenna, I can totally relate with what you said. I feel I am in that boat too. Think mine is taking on water though.:)

I just have a couple of questions and not looking for a public answer of sorts, just more of an introspective thingy for you.

If tomorrow you stumbled across Miss Right and she was the "one". I mean...You have never clicked with ANY person ever quite like this before and the sensualities of the relationship are beyond your wildest of dreams....And by sensualities, I mean everything. The all encompassing emotionally/ spiritually charged sort of relationship everyone seeks. That "sort" of relationship!

Fast forward a year into it and she asked "Jenna" to leave the equation. No matter your answer, it would change everything. For both and also the interpretation of the feelings. The reason I ask this is, It won't only be you doing the balancing of the Yin and the Yang theories in the relationship.

Second question...As of now, How do you balance both lives in a healthy manner? Wouldn't one side or the other have to dominate? Even in my daily life I am seen as a "lightweight" boy. I am not yet seen as a girl visually but definitely don't fall under the masculine carnage either....

Have you thought about what you are willing to give up in order to GAIN for the other half of you?...Just for the sake of sanity....I know Michele noted about the two sides living harmoniously together....Which would Rock! But if the only thing that is kept is what is between the legs...How much of your male side would you feel/see/want anyway.....Real world-day to day life! It is a lot of weight to wear on ones soul.

As far as sex goes....If heterosexual couples are still going to therapy for sex related issues after a couple of thousand of years of evolution, the bisexual world is going to be even more mystified in emotional conflicts.

For now, til the answers are uncovered from within you, The best medicine is the little things as Michele & Stef noted. Candle-lit bubble baths, Keep toe nails polished, frequent trips to your fav store in the mall :) Whatever you feel that would embody Jenna....and it won't feel as much as a decompression thingy particularly if you plan it after your Sat. night adventures for the following Sunday.

I have another question....I just re-read your text and you said "At the end of it all, I'm sliding more into the female realm and further and further from my male self. I'm not too sure I like this."

What may I ask do you NOT like? Having to let go of something? Or fear of the certain (but feels unknown) future in which you've seen others follow already, but question "Is it for you"? K I know that is presumptuous and from my perspective but ....after everything that is the home run statement from your thoughts.

Jenna Taylor said... WOW Alexis, and everyone. Very thought provoking comments. In particular the questions you asked Alexis.

Yes, I met Mrs. Right. She is the reason I'm out! She loved me unconditionally and was the first living soul I told about my crossdressing. Gawd was that scary! She took me shopping to buy clothes. She helped with makeup. I cannot answer how she would have responded over the long run. I lost her 5 yrs ago. Yet I do know, if it became unbearable for her, she would have silently suffered until it surfaced. In the end, relationship or not, she would have still loved me and been my friend. That was just Robin's way.

If though in a year, Mrs. Right, the to be named latter, not the heretofore named former (LOL) said "There needs to be some changes here" I would reply " My nature cannot be compromised, yet my behavior should be". If she wanted me to deny my feminine side, then she's NOT Mrs. Right, she's Mrs. Let Me Stop the Car Right Here and Let Yo Az Out.

As far as balancing myself (or selves) in a healthy manner. My male side is dominant. Only fittingly, he's the breadwinner. Jenna is the nurturer. As a heterosexual male, meaning sex only with genetic women, I am not seen as "stud Muffin" although coworkers call me " Eye Candy" (female coworkers) I wear my hair long.( To my collarbone and below) My eyebrows are waxed and shaped. I keep my fingernails manicured and excessively long( for a man, the tips of my nails are at least 1/4" long) I shave my body at least twice a month, sometimes more often. And if caught in the Emergency Room, the staff may get a chuckle out of my painted toe nails! I also do the candlelight bubble baths! Ahhhhhhhhh.

What I was truly struck by Alexis was your excellent question.

"What may I ask do you NOT like? Having to let go of something? Or fear of the certain (but feels unknown) future in which you've seen others follow already, but question "Is it for you"?"

I would have to say, letting go. Sorry for what I'm about to say, anyone under the age of 18, please close your eyes for the next 4 words " I love my penis!" I don't know if I'm willing to trade in the plumbing.

The issues for me is, how far down that road do I dare travel before I reach the point of no return (lack of functional equipment and am not found attractive by women) If I lose that, I have no masculinity let. then the balance is gone. No?

Well, I've bloviated enough for one sitting. Thank you all again. Your candor, wit and wisdom is a Godsend!

Alexis Rene said... Hey, I truly commend you on your bravery on sharing your "life" with Robin. That is a huge step forward and a bridge that scares me senseless. As all of my daily friends and family are so intertwined that I feel if I told a S.O., I might as well send a memo out to everyone else within a week.

I have seen comments from girls who have said it truly emboldened their relationships after their S.O. came out to them. However, I tend to view things from a slightly more paranoid set of eyes. As it could be a stacked deck and if that day comes that the girl plays that card out of angst, you better be well and ready to come out to the world! So for my own comfort level, until I am ready to tell the world what is really behind these eyes....My lips are sealed.;)

But obviously, I am taking baby steps with going out here n there and more and more of a web presence through profiles etc. Again I do admire what you shared with the girl of the past and so hope you find that fortune in the near future again!:)

Oh Oh Oh One last note....I have a neighbor who is a Union Plumber and he says he can fix anything so I wouldn't worry about yours as I will get you his card.....Errr umm wait you weren't meaning the kitchen sink type of plumbing were ya? Oops! Sowwy!:):):)

Arianne Travis said... With all these references to a word I often use myself, i.e. "balance", I can only toss in my two penny's worth and say that it is something YOU have to find for yourself. This balance is, and should be, a path that each of us must define on its own unique way. It is different for you, for me, for all of us. Whatever makes YOU happy! If you feel you are crossing boundaries that YOU should not, then pull back. I call it the gray zone of transvestism and it feels like walking in a field full of landmines sometimes. Just like many, you need to feel comfortable with both gender and at the same time are not sure where one begins and where the other one should end.

For myself, if you need to draw on the comparison, the existence of both is necessary in order to have a functional inner self. But after a decade of trial and error I have come to the conclusion that there can be no in between, to some extent of course. When a man, I shy away from wearing anything feminine like pantyhose under my business suit or change my appearance with anything that can't be replaced by artificial means (hair, nails, etc...). Whenever the woman is ready to come out though, oh be careful there! The quest is on to be the closest thing to being a woman as I deem physically and psychologically possible. The duality is at extreme opposite maybe, but in my case, it is a necessity for a plenitude of reasons that are beyond this simple comment. So, unlike you I presume, I try to minimize the overlap between the two. Boy mode and girl mode are very distinctive while the inner part is more complicated.

You are also describing the preparation phase of the transformation with what I refer to as "the ritual". The feelings and thought process of a crossdresser during this preparation is mind-boggling. Just like a drug addict who is preparing his needle or a rat waiting for his reward, our brain releases high levels of dopamine and the excitement takes over us. We shave away, peel away, glide on the nylon, slip into the dress and stilettos, dab the makeup with more exuberance than Picasso himself, always focusing on the outcome, the other side, the liberation.... (ouf, I need fresh air please, LOL!!!) All this to say that it is normal to have this feeling of withdrawal after some time well spent into bliss. The question being, can you deal with it? Figuratively speaking, compare this with a ladder. You do make a conscious decision and take every step (the ritual) to get up to the top of the ladder and fly like a bird. Why then, while up there, do you need to suddenly jump down and say it's over? This could be what hurts the most. Instead, just take another conscious decision to come down one step at a time. (yeah, I know, I hate metaphors too).

Anyway, it works for me.

Devi said... Hi Jenna, I'm more than a decade younger than you and have never been out dressed, but I can empathize a lot of what you wrote.

I've known and wanted to express my feminine side since I was very young. I must have been six or seven the first time. I've always been at peace with it, and never went through any attempts to fight it. I've purged, but it was more a matter of move-related inconvenience than internal conflict.

I've always been aware though, that this wasn't something I could openly do. Girls can vary the tone of their attire from extremely feminine to borderline or significantly masculine without repercussions. On the other hand, even when not in femme mode, there are moments when I'd feel more comfortable in a pair of lined slacks and a pastel blouse or tank but can't quite do that with the same degree of ease.

The flexibility of gender expression for us is extremely curtailed. Even if you have the courage to openly profess your CDing, that ends up showing only two ends - the fully male end and fully female end of expression, despite the fact that we're (at least myself and it seems you) not willing to be at either end on a permanent basis.

I believe the inflexibility in expressing our androgynous gender identities and being constrained to express only two ends does affect us. Particularly so when the question of relationships arise, as you mentioned. If a woman expects her partner to be a 'man' implying he cannot overtly express his femininity, is the opposite not obligated - with her required to not express stereotypically male attributes ?

Now that I'm getting into controversial topics involving feminism and masculine stereotypes, I'll stop so that I don't make it into too many 'most wanted' lists.